the duly-appointed square

Heading No.0022. Supervillain Registrations, Cancelled.

REGISTRATION #MB2002
Moniker: "Man-Breast"
Legal Name: Franklin Harriman
Date Reg'd.: Mar. 03 1993
Date Canc'd.: Mar. 16 1993
Reason Given: Mr. Harriman called in directly upon receiving the hard copy of his registration in the mail, claiming a typographical error, very irate and hard to understand. He claimed he was "unable to go out [to the post office and] pick up the paper form without people throwing a fit, much less bring it home and legibly fill it out." Instead, he used the new online Supervillain Registration form (Short Version), but loss of manual dexterity due to his accidental transformation into a "hulking, wolf-like ... well, beast" resulted in the error, which went unnoticed until the aforementioned receipt of hard copy. Upon learning that his intended moniker was already in use, Mr. Harriman became almost completely unintelligible, growling profanities and shortly thereafter hanging up.
#####ENTRY CLOSED 03/16/1993 LAST EDIT BY "Service Desk"#####


REGISTRATION #EF0031
Moniker: "Élastique Fantastique"
Legal Name: Laurent Gitane
Date Reg'd.: May 03 1997
Date Canc'd.: Oct. 16 1997
Reason Given: DECEASED. [Addendum. The Gypsy ritual which gave M. Gitane his rubbery composition apparently pre-dated vulcanization. The unseasonably cold evening was sufficient to render him brittle enough to shatter on the Rue de Rivoli.]
#####ENTRY CLOSED 11/23/1997 LAST EDIT BY "The Obituarian"######


REGISTRATION #BF0110
Moniker: "Brain-Scramblin' Fran"
Legal Name: Francis Tarkenton
Date Reg'd.: Apr. 19 1982
Date Canc'd.: Jun. 08 1994
Reason Given: Citing his long and storied careers as both football quarterback and technologically-enhanced-psionic mind-scrambler, Mr. Tarkenton claimed to be "too old for this shit." He expressed extreme displeasure with both the bureaucratic nature of the Supervillain Conference and the imminent sale of the software company he used as a front to develop terrifying mental destabilizers and mind-control rays. At several points during the long and rambling call he claimed he would "show us all," however, so whether or not Mr. Tarkenton will remain retired is yet to be seen.
#####ENTRY CL!@^*#NA{0èW1«))¤t╚äN♪♦a∂°
BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>BRAIN-SCRAMBLIN' FRAN HAS FOUND YOU!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>>>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by jvs at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

Kruger, J. and Dunning, D.: Unskilled and Unaware of It

Posted by jvs at 5:09 AM | Permalink | Comments

Dear Mr. Bensen and the Hiring Committee of R--------- High School:

From the beginning of this interview process, and even since I first heard you were searching for a teacher of Chemistry, I have been very eager to join the faculty of such a prestigious school as your own. After the increasingly stringent interviews, the background checks, and the voluntary infectious disease screening, I was puzzled by your recent lack of communication. Fortunately, I now realize the reason for this; much to my embarrassment, I have sent you an outdated version of my résumé. The following is a short list of corrections, which I trust will set your minds at ease.

CONTACT INFORMATION

• I do not in fact live "in a pineapple under the sea." The correct address is 112 Hampton Road.
• The telephone number is similarly incorrect; it is my ex-girlfriend's number. The correct number is my current girlfriend's number, under the first listing in the "Current Girlfriends" section of the résumé.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

• I am not 3000 years old, nor have I spent the last 300 years selling "potions and magick charms" to foolish travelers.
• Under "Tutor to the Royal Family of Britain," the contact information mistakenly lists my ex-girlfriend's telephone number. Again, this should be my current girlfriend's telephone number.
• I have not at any time been employed by Duncan Yo-yo.
  

CURRENT GIRLFRIENDS

• Phyllis Diller, Chloë Sevigny, and Giovanni Ribisi are not current girlfriends.
• Phyllis Diller should be listed under "Ex-Girlfriends."

BONG- AND PIPE-CRAFT AWARDS

• This entire section should be redacted.

CRYOGENIC STASIS CHAMBER

• A double-wide cryogenic stasis chamber is no longer a requirement; a standard-width stasis chamber (extra-tall) will suffice, provided that it is brand-name and that there is ample room for my bong-crafting medals and plaques.
• There is a typographical error in the "Calculations" section; my plans call for not more than ten hours of "warm-life" per diem, with any overage to be made up during week-ends.
• Be aware that the continual re- and un-freezing processes draw heavy current, and may necessitate a considerable upgrade of your school's infrastructure.

I realize that this is quite a list of errata, but it is understandably important that my (potential) future employers be completely and accurately informed. I await further communication from you, and I remain,

Eternally,
I. Hammond

Posted by jvs at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by jvs at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by jvs at 3:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

This video goes out to everyone who has had a block disappear from underneath them.
This video is for everyone who makes sure to always fight Ice Man, Heat Man, and Magnet Man last.
This video is dedicated to everyone who has used up all of their Rush Jet energy to cross an enormous crevasse, only to die and be forced to cross it on their own.

AIR MAN GA TAOSENAI ("I CANNOT DEFEAT AIR MAN")

Posted by jvs at 10:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

Try to see if you can get through this video without cracking up and/or punching your monitor. Bonus points for looping it on your office computer!

Posted by jvs at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by jvs at 6:39 AM | Permalink | Comments

Best wishes to everyone this late December/early January season.

Posted by jvs at 11:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by jvs at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments